Le Plant-Life!

There’s no easy way to say this…but…Finally! My roots are free! As a plant…it’s rather hard to admit that you’re claustrophobic. But staying trapped…for so long, in one place? It’s just not natural!

Sure…you’ve got your soil particles, some water, enough food. Life’s pretty predictable in all that. Plus, that bonus, when a couple of them mycorrhiza gals wrap themselves around your root hairs…and they get all close and cosy and personal. FUNGUS! What a rush of phosphorous!

Ag, but, the thrill of it wears off eventually. Soon, those lovely lassies start asking for some sweet stuff in return. And you’ve got no choice but to give up some sugar. Tch!  All that hard photosynthesis - for what?! So that some mushroom can live “Symbiotically”. C*mp*st!  No thanks.

And don’t even get me started on those Metamorphics!  Hmph! Sounds like something from the X-Men… They think they’re so smart and evolved. The humans have given them the most ridiculous names too! Epiphyte, Cladophyll, Insectivorous! For Soils Sake! A plant that eats insects? What next?! A plant that can dance?

Okay, okay…calming down… stomata open…stomata closed…stomata open…stomata closed…

Nah. I’m glad I left that old life. These days, I’m living in the lap of luxury! Me and a couple of friends are part of some new Hydroponic culture. Yeah, fancy stuff. The humans dangle our roots in these cool, glass tubes, fill us up with an Essential Element Mixture (awesome, hey?)…and then turn on the Jacuzzi for some O2! We watch the telly! We jam to music. We even get whatever element we want (or don’t want) for that perfect, stalky body! Some of the bro’s have muscled up, a few ladies have toned down.

Me? Nah, I haven’t changed much. I’m still checking out the scene. Deciding what I wanna do, now that I’m living the good life. Perhaps evolving isn’t such a bad idea after all… I could try some acting…and singing? But no dancing! No. I won’t budge on that one. I’ll have to get bigger then, and much stronger. I could chat to Venus about that. She’s a carnivorous one - I’m sure she’ll know what to do. Hmmmm…

Anyhow…I’ll think of something soon. I must be off now, though. I think I can hear Seymour coming with my dinner! Ciao!

Oh Yeah, Seymour! Feed me all night looonnnggg!